Workplace conflict is not just normal but necessary. Conflict is an essential part of growth, except when it goes off the rails.
People disagree. Feedback gets uncomfortable. Tension happens.
Then a conversation stops being difficult and starts becoming distorted.
A concern gets raised, and suddenly the focus shifts.
The original issue disappears.
The person who spoke ends up defending their tone, intent, or character instead.
That pattern is called DARVO and when it shows up at work, it can quietly damage trust, accountability, and psychological safety.
What DARVO means
DARVO stands for:
Deny
Attack
Reverse Victim and Offender
It often happens when someone is confronted with feedback, boundaries, or accountability.
Instead of addressing the issue, they flip the conversation.
It can sound like this:
Deny
“That didn’t happen.”
“You misunderstood.”
“You’re overreacting.”
Attack
“You’re always causing problems.”
“You’re too difficult to work with.”
“This is your fault.”
Reverse Victim and Offender
“I’m the one being treated unfairly.”
“You’re attacking me.”
“I can’t believe you’d accuse me of that.”
The result is confusion.
The real issue gets buried, and the person who raised it ends up under pressure instead.
How it shows up at work
DARVO can appear anywhere there is pressure, hierarchy, or fear of consequences.
It often shows up during:
- performance feedback
- project accountability
- conduct concerns
- boundary-setting
- complaints about bullying, harassment, or workload
- psychological safety or inclusion conversations
For example, a missed deadline gets raised and the conversation suddenly becomes about how “targeted” someone feels.
Or a staff member sets a boundary, only to be labelled difficult or uncommitted.
This is where things start to break down.
Because the discussion is no longer about what happened.
It becomes about who can control the narrative.
Why it matters
DARVO is effective because it creates emotional confusion.
When someone denies what happened, attacks your credibility, or flips themselves into the victim, it becomes harder to stay focused.
People often stop solving the problem and start protecting themselves instead.
Over time, that can lead to:
- people staying silent
- managers avoiding hard conversations
- conflict dragging on
- high performers disengaging
- lower trust across teams
So while DARVO may look like a communication issue, its real impact is much bigger.
It affects how safe people feel to speak up and how well teams function under pressure.
Why leaders miss it
DARVO is easy to miss because it can look like a normal emotional reaction.
Leaders may assume:
“They’re just upset.”
“Maybe this is a misunderstanding.”
“It’s easier to move on.”
But when the pattern is not recognized, workplaces often reinforce it.
That happens when people are told to:
“be the bigger person”
“not take it personally”
“just move on”
That advice may sound balanced, but it often places the burden back on the person who raised the concern.
And that quietly teaches teams something dangerous: speaking up is risky, but deflecting accountability is safe.
What leaders can do instead
The goal is not to win the argument.
It is to keep the conversation clear.
A few practical steps can make a big difference:
1) Name the pattern
Train leaders to recognize when:
- the issue gets ignored
- the conversation shifts to tone or personality
- the person raising the concern gets pushed into self-defense
2) Stay anchored to facts
Keep discussions focused on:
- what happened
- the impact
- what needs to change
- what happens next
3) Use boundary language
Helpful phrases include:
“Let’s stay with the original issue.”
“We can come back to that, but first we need to address what happened.”
“If this can’t stay respectful, we’ll pause and reconvene with HR or another leader present.”
4) Make escalation normal
People should know when to involve:
- HR
- another leader
- a third party
5) Fix the environment
DARVO often thrives in workplaces with:
- unclear roles
- inconsistent leadership
- weak consequences
- high pressure and low support
The bottom line
DARVO is not just a difficult conversation.
It is a pattern that weakens trust, disrupts accountability, and teaches people to stay quiet.
The fix is not asking people to be tougher.
It is creating workplaces where concerns can be raised clearly, handled fairly, and supported by structure.
When leaders can recognize DARVO and respond with clarity, consistency, and boundaries, it loses much of its power.
If your organization is working to strengthen psychological safety, improve leadership capability, and handle difficult workplace conversations more effectively, Workplace Mental Health Institute can help.
